If only all boys were like Jack Johnson

And so I'll try to understand, what I 

can't hold in my hands

- Jacky J!

I remember it, all too well.

You called me up again just to break me like a promise,

so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I wish I were inspired by what's happened. I wish I could somehow mold this shitty pain into some sort of irrefutable determination that could raise me far above this envy and self doubt that I'm constantly carrying round. 

More than anything I cannot stand people judging me, judging my pain, like they have any idea what it's like. It's not a severe as it could be, thank god, but it's pain. It's heart wrenching and it's inescapable, so no matter how opinionated you are, and no matter what your experience on the matter is - don't you dare for a second suggest to me to simply get over it, get over this. The fact people can say that show they have no fucking clue. Think I like being like this? Think aaagain. I hate being this difficult and bitter, and I hate having to hide it so I'm not hurting certain people's feelings, as if they'd actually have the courtesy to do the same for me if the pain was their own. 

Somehow I got lost in your promises and stupid childish smile - ended up this angry, self loathing and unappreciative mess. Never again. How people do this 5, 6 times in a lifetime is beyond me.

What's past is past

Everybody's gotta hold on hope, it's the last thing that's holding me.

So I haven't blogged in yonks. Probably not so much that I haven't had much to say, because a lots happened I guess, but more I'm not really sure how put most of it into words. So here come the bullet points!

• Turns out I won't be needing to find a gutter to live in, got AAB on results day! (Got an E in maths too but I'm not really bragging about that oddly enough)

• The Olympics were so awesome, watching all the events has definitely pushed me in the right direction, and despite how lame that sounds I know they couldn't have come at a better time for me

• On a sports note, I've started training for my 10km run in August, taken up road biking (kind of, more borrowing somebodies bike until I can afford my own) aand finally passed my pool lifeguard course. 

• I've basically grown a pair on the whole being dumped front. Not literally, that would be weird. I guess I went a bit crazy with girl power after listening to too much beyonce, and then after that rather odd phase passed I was just left with an overwhelming desire to put the past behind me. Sure it still hurts, a lot, and I know as soon as I go back to school it'll sting again like it were all fresh but I know I can deal with it now. 

“I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world. I run my world.”

—	Beyoncé, Year of 4

• I worked up in Plymouth for 2 weeks for my aunt helping look after my cousins as their not in school which was pretty cool, more tiring and cool but I can't complain too much really, I got paid. 2 of my cousins have special needs, so spending more time with them really helped me put my 'problems' in perspective, and in a lot of ways gave me a new outlook on a lot of things (I know, deep). 

• Working up by the coast reminded me how much I love it up there, so I'm choosing Exeter as my first choice for uni next year. Gonna hope for the best!

• On that not, I've figured out what other unis I'm going to apply too, considering this time next year I'll be pretty much there. Bit daunting but I'm actually looking forward to change for once in my life, I could definitely do with getting away from some of the memories that I have here (not all, just some)

That's basically a pretty average summer summed up. Probably the worst blogger on the earth, summing things up in bullet points but whatever. Back to school next week and being the keener that I am I can't say I'm too bothered about it. The quicker I get stuck back into my new courses the quicker they'll be done and the quicker I can get on with the life I very desperately want too live. 

'I'm glad we were here together in our nation's capital'

Don't normally write about 'days out' but this was a paaaarticularly awesome one. I've been letting myself get pretty down lately, but days like these make such a difference. 


These guys bring out the absolute child in me. To the left you'll see a scenario I neeever would have been in if I'd gone with any other group of people, I hate taking pictures in public I get way to embarrassed. Buut I look rather normal when Steven's dancing/singing, Mike's getting over excited about being so close to the queen, and Fern's jumping all over Thomas' back (in Christie's words, GET A ROOM!), so it's a hell of a lot easier not to get so embarrassed.

Another cool thing was that the city was full of olympics hype! I can't wait until it all starts, just watching all the paralympics adverts give me shivers. It's inspiring to see people that have grown up around here pr all over Britain aspire to be better, and are now representing our country in the uuultimate sporting event. I'm crap at putting my thoughts into words so I'll just stick with it's inspiring. 




Also found out that pizza express do the best lasagna's EVER. Re-discovered my love for the natural history museum, and to be honest haven't had that much fun in such a long time. Definitely one of the best days so far (shows i don't get out much but whatever) so thank you guys, you ze best!

Looking back on yesterdays blog...

Feel I may have come across a taad dramatic in my last post. I'm really not that morbid all the time honest, just get very caught up in moods.

Basically, what I was trying to say this but couldn't.

It's difficult being away from somebody you care so much about,

especially when it's down to the other person's choice.

Double especially when the persons wasn't just your boyfriend, he was your best friend.

Not cool.

Faith, can still beat the odds.