Sunday, 25 December 2011
Monday, 7 November 2011
Monday, 19 September 2011
This is what happens when your home, ill and bored.
Crappest 2 days in such a long time. Crappest should be a word. Typical how I only write stuff like this when I need to get stuff off my chest, never write about any good days or happy memories.
I've never once in my life thought of myself as naive, never, definitely other things but never naive, but after this weekend I've pretty much concluded that all this sarcasm, all this stupid wit was just hiding my naivety, hiding the fact I pray every night and believe there's somebody watching over us who really does care. Can't believe I'm writing this.
I always thought some people were different, especially one. But your not really. And I never thought I'd have watch somebody scream at their little boy for the tiniest thing, never thought I'd look around for somebody to say something only too find people just look away and hope they don't have to get involved, because of course it's not their problem is it. That's just bullshit in my opinion. I'm fully aware crap like this happens everywhere, every day, all the time, but funny how I always thought there was a silver lining to everything, but that boy, that's just his life, where's his silver lining. I've got a silver lining that applies to pretty much everything, but even the people closest to you can let you down in a instance. I need to grow a pair as I'm forever saying, but it's the trust that's gone. It literally makes me feel sick, all of this. None of this will make sense to anybody reading this, but I guess it's not here for anyone's sake, it's here for me, for me to stop bottling everything up without having to utter a single word. How am I supposed to look them in the eye and tell them I'm finding really hard to find what I saw before, somebody who wasn't like anyone else, who put everybody else to shame with their strength, and their ability to make me feel like I didn't have to be like anybody else, I could yeno just be me. Now I feel like I've gotta be somebody completely different, someone new, someone who doesn't react to things like this, has different morals, looks completely different, somebody I'd pretty much hate. The lies, and the deception, it just makes me cry with anger, and I hate crying, I hate it so much. Talking about it would be ten times worse than writing it mind. They looked me in the eye, and lied, I mean if they really cared as much as they say, they wouldn't pick somebody over me surely. Sounds so fricking ridiculous but it feels like I've been cheated on.
What chance has anyone got without somebody they can trust, somebody they can fall back on. What chance has anybody got at all really.
I've never once in my life thought of myself as naive, never, definitely other things but never naive, but after this weekend I've pretty much concluded that all this sarcasm, all this stupid wit was just hiding my naivety, hiding the fact I pray every night and believe there's somebody watching over us who really does care. Can't believe I'm writing this.
I always thought some people were different, especially one. But your not really. And I never thought I'd have watch somebody scream at their little boy for the tiniest thing, never thought I'd look around for somebody to say something only too find people just look away and hope they don't have to get involved, because of course it's not their problem is it. That's just bullshit in my opinion. I'm fully aware crap like this happens everywhere, every day, all the time, but funny how I always thought there was a silver lining to everything, but that boy, that's just his life, where's his silver lining. I've got a silver lining that applies to pretty much everything, but even the people closest to you can let you down in a instance. I need to grow a pair as I'm forever saying, but it's the trust that's gone. It literally makes me feel sick, all of this. None of this will make sense to anybody reading this, but I guess it's not here for anyone's sake, it's here for me, for me to stop bottling everything up without having to utter a single word. How am I supposed to look them in the eye and tell them I'm finding really hard to find what I saw before, somebody who wasn't like anyone else, who put everybody else to shame with their strength, and their ability to make me feel like I didn't have to be like anybody else, I could yeno just be me. Now I feel like I've gotta be somebody completely different, someone new, someone who doesn't react to things like this, has different morals, looks completely different, somebody I'd pretty much hate. The lies, and the deception, it just makes me cry with anger, and I hate crying, I hate it so much. Talking about it would be ten times worse than writing it mind. They looked me in the eye, and lied, I mean if they really cared as much as they say, they wouldn't pick somebody over me surely. Sounds so fricking ridiculous but it feels like I've been cheated on.
What chance has anyone got without somebody they can trust, somebody they can fall back on. What chance has anybody got at all really.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Recovering The Satellites
First blog, feels kinda weird. To be honest never though much of the whole blogging business but lately I'm needing some way to get everything off my chest, so despite my best efforts to bottle stuff up I'm just gonna try this. Feeling pretty cool right now of course, absolutely no offence to anyone who regularly uses blogging to express feelings etc, but always seemed to see it as pointless, maybe it is, but either way I'll give it a go.
I've always been somebody who's just got on with stuff. I mean I have nothing to complain about really, I've got a great life with potentially endless opportunities almost laid out for me, but lately I feel like I'm like almost lost in at all. Now keep in mind I've got a tendency to over exaggerate, and maybe I'm just in one of those moods I don't know, but especially tonight, it's like for the first time in maybe since I've stood on my own two feet I'm questioning my ability in everything, in anything. Keep asking myself what I'm good at, when basically the one thing I felt I could do, the one thing that set me apart from everyone else, I'm actually pretty crap it. This sounds ridiculous I know, but what happens when your confidence in the things you pride yourself in the most just shatters, and your friends, family, friends family, outshine you in more ways than one, and your just left slightly meaningless.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself honest, it's just the feeling of having nothing to pride yourself in, it's absolutely shite. Academics aren't my things, the sports I thought I stood out in and enjoyed weren't really my thing, I can't seem to keep hold of a simple routine, 'cause routine's clearly aren't my thing either, so I wanna know what is my thing. Laughed writing that, clearly I'm not crap at turning something simple into an immature joke.
I guess what I'm trying to say, trying to ask, is what do you do when you realize what you thought you were sure about suddenly changes, or it's been unsure all along. It's the simplest thing, achieving something small then building your way up, having this amazing feel of pride and worthiness, I want that feeling back. I want my confidence back, to have self confidence like I used too. Even things like helping people, helping people really close to me I just can't even seem to manage that, I mean what kind of person can't just help people. It's ridiculous, I can't seem to get a grasp of what I want or need, and now it's resulted in me blogging about it. Desperate times.
In other words, I'm crap at the stuff I always seemed to think I was good at. What happens now.
I've always been somebody who's just got on with stuff. I mean I have nothing to complain about really, I've got a great life with potentially endless opportunities almost laid out for me, but lately I feel like I'm like almost lost in at all. Now keep in mind I've got a tendency to over exaggerate, and maybe I'm just in one of those moods I don't know, but especially tonight, it's like for the first time in maybe since I've stood on my own two feet I'm questioning my ability in everything, in anything. Keep asking myself what I'm good at, when basically the one thing I felt I could do, the one thing that set me apart from everyone else, I'm actually pretty crap it. This sounds ridiculous I know, but what happens when your confidence in the things you pride yourself in the most just shatters, and your friends, family, friends family, outshine you in more ways than one, and your just left slightly meaningless.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself honest, it's just the feeling of having nothing to pride yourself in, it's absolutely shite. Academics aren't my things, the sports I thought I stood out in and enjoyed weren't really my thing, I can't seem to keep hold of a simple routine, 'cause routine's clearly aren't my thing either, so I wanna know what is my thing. Laughed writing that, clearly I'm not crap at turning something simple into an immature joke.
I guess what I'm trying to say, trying to ask, is what do you do when you realize what you thought you were sure about suddenly changes, or it's been unsure all along. It's the simplest thing, achieving something small then building your way up, having this amazing feel of pride and worthiness, I want that feeling back. I want my confidence back, to have self confidence like I used too. Even things like helping people, helping people really close to me I just can't even seem to manage that, I mean what kind of person can't just help people. It's ridiculous, I can't seem to get a grasp of what I want or need, and now it's resulted in me blogging about it. Desperate times.
In other words, I'm crap at the stuff I always seemed to think I was good at. What happens now.
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