If only all boys were like Jack Johnson

And so I'll try to understand, what I 

can't hold in my hands

- Jacky J!

I remember it, all too well.

You called me up again just to break me like a promise,

so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I wish I were inspired by what's happened. I wish I could somehow mold this shitty pain into some sort of irrefutable determination that could raise me far above this envy and self doubt that I'm constantly carrying round. 

More than anything I cannot stand people judging me, judging my pain, like they have any idea what it's like. It's not a severe as it could be, thank god, but it's pain. It's heart wrenching and it's inescapable, so no matter how opinionated you are, and no matter what your experience on the matter is - don't you dare for a second suggest to me to simply get over it, get over this. The fact people can say that show they have no fucking clue. Think I like being like this? Think aaagain. I hate being this difficult and bitter, and I hate having to hide it so I'm not hurting certain people's feelings, as if they'd actually have the courtesy to do the same for me if the pain was their own. 

Somehow I got lost in your promises and stupid childish smile - ended up this angry, self loathing and unappreciative mess. Never again. How people do this 5, 6 times in a lifetime is beyond me.

What's past is past

Everybody's gotta hold on hope, it's the last thing that's holding me.

So I haven't blogged in yonks. Probably not so much that I haven't had much to say, because a lots happened I guess, but more I'm not really sure how put most of it into words. So here come the bullet points!

• Turns out I won't be needing to find a gutter to live in, got AAB on results day! (Got an E in maths too but I'm not really bragging about that oddly enough)

• The Olympics were so awesome, watching all the events has definitely pushed me in the right direction, and despite how lame that sounds I know they couldn't have come at a better time for me

• On a sports note, I've started training for my 10km run in August, taken up road biking (kind of, more borrowing somebodies bike until I can afford my own) aand finally passed my pool lifeguard course. 

• I've basically grown a pair on the whole being dumped front. Not literally, that would be weird. I guess I went a bit crazy with girl power after listening to too much beyonce, and then after that rather odd phase passed I was just left with an overwhelming desire to put the past behind me. Sure it still hurts, a lot, and I know as soon as I go back to school it'll sting again like it were all fresh but I know I can deal with it now. 

“I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world. I run my world.”

—	Beyoncé, Year of 4

• I worked up in Plymouth for 2 weeks for my aunt helping look after my cousins as their not in school which was pretty cool, more tiring and cool but I can't complain too much really, I got paid. 2 of my cousins have special needs, so spending more time with them really helped me put my 'problems' in perspective, and in a lot of ways gave me a new outlook on a lot of things (I know, deep). 

• Working up by the coast reminded me how much I love it up there, so I'm choosing Exeter as my first choice for uni next year. Gonna hope for the best!

• On that not, I've figured out what other unis I'm going to apply too, considering this time next year I'll be pretty much there. Bit daunting but I'm actually looking forward to change for once in my life, I could definitely do with getting away from some of the memories that I have here (not all, just some)

That's basically a pretty average summer summed up. Probably the worst blogger on the earth, summing things up in bullet points but whatever. Back to school next week and being the keener that I am I can't say I'm too bothered about it. The quicker I get stuck back into my new courses the quicker they'll be done and the quicker I can get on with the life I very desperately want too live. 

'I'm glad we were here together in our nation's capital'

Don't normally write about 'days out' but this was a paaaarticularly awesome one. I've been letting myself get pretty down lately, but days like these make such a difference. 


These guys bring out the absolute child in me. To the left you'll see a scenario I neeever would have been in if I'd gone with any other group of people, I hate taking pictures in public I get way to embarrassed. Buut I look rather normal when Steven's dancing/singing, Mike's getting over excited about being so close to the queen, and Fern's jumping all over Thomas' back (in Christie's words, GET A ROOM!), so it's a hell of a lot easier not to get so embarrassed.

Another cool thing was that the city was full of olympics hype! I can't wait until it all starts, just watching all the paralympics adverts give me shivers. It's inspiring to see people that have grown up around here pr all over Britain aspire to be better, and are now representing our country in the uuultimate sporting event. I'm crap at putting my thoughts into words so I'll just stick with it's inspiring. 




Also found out that pizza express do the best lasagna's EVER. Re-discovered my love for the natural history museum, and to be honest haven't had that much fun in such a long time. Definitely one of the best days so far (shows i don't get out much but whatever) so thank you guys, you ze best!

Looking back on yesterdays blog...

Feel I may have come across a taad dramatic in my last post. I'm really not that morbid all the time honest, just get very caught up in moods.

Basically, what I was trying to say this but couldn't.

It's difficult being away from somebody you care so much about,

especially when it's down to the other person's choice.

Double especially when the persons wasn't just your boyfriend, he was your best friend.

Not cool.

Faith, can still beat the odds. 

You can plan for a change, in the weather and the time;

but I never planned, on you changing your mind.

The Breakup Playlist

Things have been rather shitty lately. But instead of dwelling on it, and due to the fact I'm banned from exercise, I've been putting my energy into other things. These other things literally are watching tv and playing fifa with the occasional falling off bikes and down stairs, but it's a start. 


But this is for anyone, everyone who feels that after being 'dumped' their life just isn't worth it. Even if your just having a bad day, and are going through these stages of heartbreak in other aspects of your life, I hope these songs bring some sort of clarity.

Stage One. 

Your pretty much just very upset

This song sums up the whole 'you left everything we had behind' feeling. It's a crap feeling, it's like every 'I love you' that came from the relationship was just a big lie. A selfish and worthless lie. But it's a great song and an entirely awesome band. 

Stage Two.

Denial, cheesy as it sounds

You start thinking that all this is just some sort of bad dream, and that you'll just wake up soon. You physically can't believe this has happened. Weeeelll it has, and this song addresses this confusing and equally shitty as the last stage feeling. You just cling on to the words that he/she told you, in quite pathetic desperation that one day soon they'll come to their sense. News for you: they very often don't.

Stage Three.

You get very, very pissed off.

Damien Rice is a god. And he kind of hits it on the head with this song about being rather pissed off about a relationship. But you kind of get the impression he hasn't been dumped as such, but is just tired of being treated crappy. Soooo there's two songs for this stage, just because yeno I couldn't decide which song was best...

These guys know about shitty relationships. Buut it's a good song if you know how much you worked on a relationship, just to get it chucked back in your face again. I'm not bitter of anything as you can tell. 

Stage Four.

You want him/her back so much, you plead

Probably the hardest stage in my opinion. You get to a certain point where all you can think about is how much you need them back, and in many cases just cry and cry to them until they change their mind. To save the heartbreak for many hopefully, it doesn't work, and you feel even crapper after when you know they just don't care anymore. You feel pathetic and worthless, but it's done and you've just gotta pull yourself out of it, because now you know - they're not coming back. 

Stage Five.

Back to being a soppy mess

Sara Bareilles is very cool in my opinion. After aalll these crappy stages you end up being upset again, and it's even harder this time because let's face it there's no hope of them coming back. All the plans, the dreams, they're worth bugger all now. So yeno it's yet another crappy stage, never used the word crappy so much. 

Also a pretty nice song for such a shitty situation. But if Joshua Radin (being one of the most morbid song writers alive in his earlier albums) can get over these things, anyone can,

Stage Six.

Finally, there's a bit of acceptance going on

Yeaaah it's another Lady Antebellum song, but it fits pretty well. This song always makes me feel better, because at the end of the day it's not the end of the world. You've just gotta tell yourself to chin up and start enjoying life, you still miss them, like really miss them, but you get to do things you were always to busy with your ex to do in the past, but not they've moved on you realize you've got so many opportunities ahead. 

People say it takes time, but I don't really believe you ever truly get over somebody you genuinely loved. But having enough self respect to know when it's time to stop begging, and start realizing you deserve more is a pretty good starting point. 

So for anyone who's ever felt betrayed and rejected, life goes on. Know you worth more than a cowardly apology for 'hurting you' and realize your gonna get nowhere sitting, crying with a broken heart.

Mumford and sons are far more poetic about feeling shit than I am, hence why I'm not writing much. 

'I gave you all, and you rip it from my hands and you wear it's all gone. And you rip out all I have just to say you won.

Well now you've won.'

It was either this, or Teenage Dirtbag...

Say what you need to say

I don't really know how to write about how I feel anymore. Everything piles up, and you worry constantly about people so close to you, but at the moment it's like their minds in a different world. There's little poetic clarity in the words I write, but when it comes down to it, sometimes the clarity just isn't in the words. It's in the doing, the done, the being. 

Have no fear, for giving in

Revision break - Thank you Kara!

Kara got me a silver surfer mug :D 
he's my favorite super hero as she knows, I could list many reasons why he's cooler than superman.
So Thank you Kara i love you!

Happy 100th Birthday Robert Doisneau

 Kiss by the Hôtel de Ville

"I don't photograph life as it is, but life as I would like it to be," Robert Doisneau


I think everybody would love life a little more if it were always like these pictures. Happy 100th Birthday Robert Doisneau. Some say you died an unhappy man, but your photographs, to me, say otherwise. 

Champs de Mars Gardens

AAB

Entry requirements for Uni's. They make me want to cry.

AAB for History!? What is this?! Out of the four Universities I reeaally would like go too, ABB is the lowest of the requirements -.- I would really like somebody to explain to me why I need 2 A's to look at stuff that has already happened. I may as well drop out of sixth form now, buy a super computer and search past events on google for 3 years. At least that way I can learn about History without having to worry myself stupid on revising and cut down on watching the big bang theory. Gah.

This post was rather pointless I admit, and I know a degree in History may mean doing a bit more work than I would be if I were sat googling for 3 years. It's just a very daunting thought that maybe I won't actually get to do what I've set out to do, a thought that I'm sure a lot of people have right now.

If nobody hears from me again, it's because I've given up and I'm in Mexico selling sombreros. Why? I really don't know.

'You don’t take a photograph, you make it.' - Ansel Adams

Something everybody, everywhere wants at least a tiny bit of

NY Resolution

I aaaalways use the old 'keep fit' and 'improve my kayaking' resolutions every year, and yeah fair play I haven't ran in months and only go gym like once a week at the most... but I blame the cold weather for that. Even the gym part. And the mass of chocolate I got for Christmas. But this year there's not much point, keeping fit is something everybody wants to do, you dont need to make a resolution about it, youve just gotta get up off your ass, wack your ipod on and run or even walk as frequently as you can. Maybe do abitta zumba on the wii, curtains close of course. In theory, it's simple. In reality we all know it isn't but you see my point.
Sooo this year I'm scrapping the previous resolutions, there things that I guess I'll inevitably get done with my dad being the person he is. (Dragged me to the gym on new years day). Soo I need something new.
Let's get to the point, this year I'll stop trying to be things I'm not. I'll accept I'm 'curvy' and not thin or petite, I'll accept things don't always go the way I want and I'll accept if I want to get anywhere in life, I'm gonna have to work my ass off for it.
Hope everyone had an awesome new years x